


Diyoza's Gift

by Talassan



Category: Kabby fandom, The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergent, F/M, Kabby focused ... NO Kabbyoza, Love, Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:21:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27060382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talassan/pseuds/Talassan
Summary: Just a little modification of some details in "Acceptable Losses". It never really felt right to me how they approached it in the show and this is my vision of how it should have been.
Relationships: Abby Griffin/Marcus Kane
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	Diyoza's Gift

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to Mel!! Yes, again, she is my life savior in English writing and in everything else 😘 
> 
> I guess Kabby is my first times inspiration so for this fic, it is the first time I pick something I want to write about and go for it!! Usually already completed stories come to my mind without me thinking of it and I just put them down. I chose this story and worked on it!!
> 
> Hope you like it !!

The girl is dead, she has failed again. She doesn’t seem to be able to do anything straight lately.

“Lately,” she whispers, laughing brokenly at herself. She’s been doing everything wrong for years now. She just fractures everyone she cares for, ever since ALIE. It’s as if doing all those awful things had broken her soul, made her unable to do good anymore, prevented her from seeing the light and the hope in the world. She lets herself slide down the wall until she is sitting on the floor, hands shaking. She can’t do this any longer, she can’t bear her own self anymore. She closes her eyes and takes yet another pill, allowing the numbing effect to take over her. One hand on her forehead, she breathes in deeply, slowly giving in the sweet feeling of forgetfulness.

“Abby?” 

She hears someone calling her name but is unable to answer the voice, she can’t even tell whose voice it is, and she wishes the person would just leave, thinking she is not there so she can stay in her sleepily peaceful state.

“Abby?” 

She hears it again and this time she recognizes the concern in the voice, in _his_ voice and it all comes back to her like cold rain soaking her to the bones: the cross, the gun, the meat, the arena, her promise, the girl lying on the operating table just in front of her.

_How can he do it?_ she wonders. How can he still care about this scattered thing she has turned herself into?

He walks towards her and she breathes deeply. He’s going to ask questions, she knows it, she knows him, but she’s not sure she can stand his sweetness and concern right now.

“What the hell happened?” he asks and somehow not looking at his face helps her gather the strength to answer.

“I got the bullet out but there was too much internal damage,” she says matter of factly, more tired than really upset about it (thank God for those pills). “I did everything I could.”

“Was that before or after you took these?” he asks, picking up the bottle sitting next to her.

_Well, that’s new,_ she thinks. Concern, pity, gentleness, she can’t handle anymore, but reproval she can. Maybe that’s for the best; if she fights him, maybe she would get him angry enough to see she’s not the woman he loved anymore, maybe that way she can keep him from worrying about her all the time. 

“She was shot, Marcus,” she answers, grabbing back the pills from his hand, eyes locked on his, showing him all her building rage. “Octavia Blake killed her, not me.” She gets up, all daze gone now.

“Karina came here for a second chance!” he shoots again.

“I did everything I could!” she repeats more forcefully this time and covers the girl’s body with the sheet, turning her back to him, ending the conversation just there. She has nothing else to discuss about it.

“Hey!” he calls following her and taking her by the wrist, getting both his hands on her upper arms. “I put my life on the line for you and you promised me that you would quit!” He’s clearly hurt and tired of yet another promise she didn’t keep.

_If he had died in the arena, I would have quit,_ she tells herself. She would have ended it all so she would have quit. But he is here and he is fighting her, fighting _for_ her.

So she does the only thing she can; she fights back. “And I will!” She wants to hold his face and pull him to her, she wants to show him how important he is to her, how much she needs him, but she can’t, she needs to protect him from her. It’s better that he’s mad than worried so she just challenges him with her eyes, praying for him to stay angry.

“Stop lying!!” he yells but the hurt is still in his eyes, and she hates herself for putting it there. “It’s getting worse, you take one pill to work and then another to sleep!”

_If he knew those are just the ones he sees me taking_ she thinks sadly.

“Give me the bottle.” He reaches for it but she is faster, survival instincts are always faster and that’s all she is doing yet again: trying to survive, to make him survive. Even if it means losing his love, she needs him to stay alive over anything else. 

“This was supposed to be our second chance, that’s why we are here,” he says, his eyes on hers so full of hurt and love and hope she can barely hold it together enough to speak. Because she wants it, she wants a second chance to be herself, to be them as they were before ALIE, as they were in Polis, but she won’t get it, and neither will he if they get killed because she can’t find a cure fast enough.

“Wrong,” she says. “We’re here because of _me._ Because I serve a purpose and I can only serve that purpose if I am functioning.” She fights to get the words out of her mouth, the tightening knot in her throat making even breathing difficult at this point. “If I don’t find a cure soon, people are gonna start dying.” She’s talking about him and the defectors more than about any of Diyoza’s men. 

But he doesn’t get it, or he doesn’t want to, and just turns around, uncovering the dead girl’s body again. “People are already dying,” he states. “And you call this functioning?” He’s really blaming her for Karina’s death and she doesn’t need that, she already blames herself enough for all the pain she and her decisions have caused everyone. “You didn’t even close her up.” 

How can he not see that his words are shattering her instead of prompting her to get clean? “I did everything I could!!” she yells, her heart pounding, her eyes burning with the tears she doesn’t want to let fall.

“It wasn’t enough,” he sentences, looking deep into her eyes, his own filled with a disappointment that breaks her heart more than any word he could say, and then he’s gone, leaving her there with all her demons threatening to tear what’s left of her apart.

She is tempted by the bottle in her hand right then, it would be so easy to just take the rest of them and be done with it all: the guilt, the pain, the need, the struggle, the fear… but she can’t, if she’s gone then Diyoza doesn’t have a reason to keep him alive anymore, and she can’t get him killed because of her weakness, because of her inability to carry the heavy burden she herself has put onto her own shoulders. 

She breathes deeply several times, closing her eyes, trying to remember good times: the feeling of being alive; the caress of the fresh air on her skin when she first arrived in Earth; his presence just behind her that comforted her beyond expectations in that overwhelming “new world”; the sweet sight of him walking towards the camp when she thought the grounders had killed him; the strength and support of his hand and his eyes on hers all the way back from Mount Weather… 

A knock on the door takes her out of her thoughts. She’s got patients to take care of, so she gets to it, feeling a little more like her old self. 

“I’m sorry, I’m still looking for a cure, but in the meantime, this might help you with the pain,” she says to the poor guy, giving him one of her pills. She knows he needs it more than she does and also, Marcus is watching, so he gets to see that she will do anything to help others, even over herself.

When her patient leaves, she takes several deep breaths. _I can face him. I can take any shit he gives me if it means I can save him,_ she tells herself turning around to look at him.

“I … um … I wanted to apologize,” he says simply and it’s all that it takes to bring tears to her eyes. 

She keeps telling herself that she would survive him not loving her anymore if it means he stays alive but it is such a huge lie. What he thinks of her, how he sees her is more important to her than the air she is breathing itself. She needs him and his love more than she is able to comprehend, but she needs him with her, so she has to make sure. 

“Does that mean that you believe I did all I could to save that girl?” She’s surprised by how settled her voice sounds when internally she is just praying for the answer to be yes. Because she won’t be able to handle another argument; she’d thought before that him being mad would be easier to deal with than his worry but it’s not, she can’t stand the deception she saw in his eyes earlier. 

“Yes,” he says, walking the few steps between them and taking her face in his hands, looking deeply into her eyes. “I know you gave it all to save her, you couldn’t have done anything else. It is just who you are, you care for people, you live to save them,” he states, so much love and pride shining in his eyes that she can’t stop tears falling from hers.

He caresses her cheeks with his thumbs, wiping them away. “I’m so sorry for what I said. It’s so unfair of me to discharge my frustration on you.” She can tell he is having a hard time holding himself together, the regret heavy on him, and it melts her heart how really sorry he is for what he said to her, for hurting her. “I just need you with me, Abby, more than ever,” he confesses, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

She gets on the tips of her toes and kisses it away, pulling him to her and breathing deeply in his scent. She could move mountains for this loving man and she will, she is determined to keep her promise this time, if only he would give her a little more time.

“I love you, Abby,” he says gently pulling her out of his embrace so he can look at her, “and… and I want to take care of you through detox.” The look in his eyes is so sincere, so pure, as if taking care of her was his only purpose in life. “I… I’d walk through fire for you, I’d die for you, but I can’t watch you kill yourself, not anymore … please, Abby, let me be there for you.” His voice is breaking so he doesn’t say anything else, he just looks at her, pleading with her to choose their love, to walk with him towards the unknown this time because together they can do it; if he has her by his side, he can get the peace they are all so desperate for. But he needs her, peace wouldn’t matter anymore without her.

“Marcus,” she whispers through her quivering lower lip. “I… I can’t.” The way he pulls away breaks her heart into thousands of pieces. “Wait! I want to… I swear I do… please believe me,” she beseeches, a sob breaking her voice.

Suddenly the door opens and he turns around leaving her lost in a sea of fear threatening to drown her right there. He has to believe her, _please God he has to._ She can’t lose him now; she can’t lose him ever.

“I could come back,” says Diyoza but Abby can barely hear her, her own breathing so laborious that any other sound gets muffled to her ears.

“Please do,” answers Marcus. “You said you have no symptoms, there is no rush. This is… important.” He hesitates with the wording. “It cannot wait,” he states and watches as she nods and leaves the room.

“I want to believe you, Abby,” he tells her, cupping her face with his hands “I really do.” He rests his forehead against hers.

“I miss you, Marcus, so much it hurts,” she says, answering his silent plea for her to convince him. “I miss the Marcus that could look at me without wondering whether I would start shaking, fall apart, or just run to oblivion. I miss looking you in the eyes without feeling guilty for not being able to give you back all the love you give me; because the only moments I feel I deserve your love is when the pills get me numb enough to forget what I did to you. I miss us, Marcus… I want to earn your trust back. I want to be worthy of your love again. I would do whatever it takes, but she will kill us if I don’t save her people and I can’t let that happen.” She breaks down, unable to bear the pain that comes with the thought of risking getting him killed again.

He pulls her into his chest, holding her as close as he physically can, his arms tight around her little frame, his face burrowed in her hair, not trusting his voice to speak.

“I can’t let her kill you,” she cries against his chest, clasping the back of his shirt as if her life depended of it.

“I’ll talk to her. I’ll get her to give us some time,” he finally says, lifting her head so she is looking at him, his eyes on hers, begging her to agree.

“But Marcus …”

“I’ll do whatever she asks in exchange,” he cuts her off. “Please, Abby, please… we can do the rapid detox, I know you have it in your bag. If we do it now, you’ll be fit to go back to work by the morning after tomorrow.”

“Go talk to her,” she says after a few breaths.

He looks deeply into her eyes, asking for a last confirmation. He needs her to be sure about it, he knows he has pushed her but he needs it to be her decision in the end. When she nods slowly, he just gives her a soft, tender, lovingly kiss full of promises of a better future.

“Marcus,” she calls when he is halfway to the door and he closes his eyes, begging to God, if there even is one, that she hasn’t already changed her mind. “Get rid of this,” she says when he turns back, handing him the bottle.

“I won’t let you fall back to it again this time” he says, taking the pills from her. “I promise.”

Diyoza had agreed; of course she did, he had made her. He’ll deal with his part of the agreement later but for now, he will just focus on Abby, on getting her back, on getting HIS Abby back.

“Tie me down, Marcus, please,” she tells him for the hundredth time.

“No, Abby, I’ll hold you. I won’t let you hurt yourself on those ties.”

“But then I’ll hurt you,” she pleads, tears filling her eyes. She can’t hurt him anymore. She has done enough of it as it is and she knows she would say horrible things to him in no time. Why won’t he just do it the easy way and tie her?

“It’s not up for discussion, Abby, I won’t do it. I’m strong enough to hold you through it, you’d never let me before and you won’t stop me this time.”

“Do you remember the dosage?” she asks, giving up as she understands how much he needs to do this for her, for himself.

“Twenty ccs to start,” is his only answer and he is already opening the valve of the IV. “You’re going to be alright, I promise,” he says, trying to reassure her as much as himself, and he kisses her forehead, holding her in the right position so he would be able to restrain her without hurting her too much when it gets to it.

Her heart starts beating fast soon enough, she can feel the pain growing everywhere in her body, her temperature rising. She is rapidly getting anxious, the thoughts piling up in her head: she can’t do this; it’s been too many times; her heart will stop and never start again; it’s all too much, too fast… 

Her belly is cramping, her whole body shaking, the sweat soaking her hair and her clothes, but she barely notices it over her erratic breathing and her pounding head and heart. She is going to die, she is certain of it and Marcus is letting her.

She starts screaming, fighting his arms to free herself. The pain too strong, the fear unbearable. “Just stop,” she begs. “It’s too much. It’s too much… please, please, Marcus. I can’t do this, I am too weak, my body can’t handle this,”

“Of course you can, I’m here, I won’t let you die.”

“Noooo!” she screams desperately. She needs to make him stop it. She HAS to make him stop it. She can’t do it, she can’t stand the visions of herself biting on the arms and legs of dead bodies, taking their eyes … “Marcus … Marcus you can’t do this to me. I don’t deserve to suffer like this for YOUR sins. YOU made me do it, YOU forced me to stay alive. YOU promised me and then YOU kept me alive and now YOU are killing me… Let go of me, Marcus, let go!” She cries, she screams, she fights him but she is trapped, he is too strong for her.

“This won’t kill you, and I can’t let go, you know it, we’ve already been here. Just embrace it, baby, I don’t want to hurt you,” he tells her as calmly as he can, he knows anyway that there is no possible reasoning with her at this point. “We are saving you here, putting you back together.”

“No, no, we’re not. This is not like the other times. This is torture. Yeah, you are torturing me now because I told Octavia to make you eat but that’s not my fault, you did it, you did it all yourself, you made her kill those people because of your fucking values. You should have eaten like all of us did and you would have saved them, you would have saved ME. You say you love me but it’s bullshit, you wouldn’t have put that on me if you did, you wouldn’t be doing this to me if you loved me…. Ahhhhh! Let me go… just let me go, please, please I’ll do whatever you want but please, please stop it!” 

It’s not working, nothing that she says or does will make him stop, his grip on her is just tightening more and more and she is just dying; her heart is going to explode anytime now, she can feel the blood rushing through her veins, too much blood at a time, too fast, not enough oxygen in her lungs… “If… I die… you’re... you’re never gonna… forgive yourself,” she tries again, gasping for air and turning her head in a vain attempt to see his face. And then she is shocking, she can’t breathe anymore and this is it, her body can’t handle it, her heart is giving up and she knew it, if he had just listened to her. She doesn’t want to die like this, not without saying goodbye to her daughter. A single tear escapes her now closed eyes at the thought of her baby girl, rapidly followed by others, she can feel them running down her burning cheeks. And then nothing, just a dark, cold and frightening emptiness. 

“Abby, Abby, please,” she hears in the distance and it’s HIS voice, it’s Marcus calling for her; and all she wants is to get to him, he is the only thing that matters, the only worthy person in that horrendous world. She has to get to him; she can’t leave him like that, begging her to wake up. She opens her eyes, breathing deeply to get all the air her lungs were missing and she falls back onto his chest, in his embrace. He is there for her and she doesn’t need to fight him anymore. He didn’t let her die, he kept his promise and she knows he would have kept her alive even without promising it; she knows it because he loves her, he keeps loving her even after all the horrible things she has done and said to him; and there he his holding her to his chest, caressing her hair and whispering soothing words to her. She is still shaking, still sweating, still aching but he is there for her, keeping her safe and she is just so tired of fighting, she feels herself falling, sleep taking her.

When she wakes up again, she can’t feel him around her anymore, she misses his warmth and panic starts rapidly filling her being. Was that a dream, a nightmare, a whatever in between? Has she just really dreamt it all? Her heart goes so fast in her chest at the thought that maybe they didn’t have the argument, or maybe he never came back to apologize, or maybe she just said no and he left her. Tears fill her eyes at that last possibility and her breathing picks up.

“Abby,” she hears him calling, his hand immediately on her arm, and she closes her eyes, the tears overflowing. He’s there, so not everything is lost, even if it was a dream, she can still do it, it’s not too late, he hasn’t left her so she still can choose to get clean for him, for them.

“Marcus,” she says, turning over onto her back so she can see him and it’s all there, written in his face; she’s done it, they have done it, it wasn’t a dream.

For a second she feels so relieved, so happy, but then it all comes crushing back onto her: she has been awful to him. How can he look at her with so much love after everything she’s just told him? She doesn’t deserve him and he deserves a lot better than a woman who only seems able to hurt him.

“Hey, don’t!” he says, knowing, by the look on her face and previous experiences, exactly where her mind is going. 

“Come here,” he encourages her, pulling her by the arm into his chest. 

She lets him, too tired to fight him and in too much need of his contact, his warmth, the beating of his heart under her ear. 

“I’m so sorry,” she whispers, not trusting her voice. “I didn’t…” But what she didn’t dies in her throat, she has no right to do this. She doesn’t get to apologize over and over and yet keep hurting him. _You’re supposed to learn from your mistakes, not keep worsening them,_ her mind chastises her.

“I know you didn’t mean what you said,” he tells her, gently lifting her chin up so he can look at her eyes. “You don’t need to apologize… Hey! It’s alright, ” he adds, when he sees her closing her eyes and starting to cry. “Shhhhh, you’re fine, we’re fine. It’s all over now. We get to build our second chance from now on.” He keeps reassuring her, telling her hopeful words while she cries. But this time around his words get to her, he is making her feel a little hopeful again, now that there is no bunker, no arena anymore; now that Clarke is alive; now that the kids are back from the ring; now, they get to start again, they get their chance at doing better. And a part of her actually believes they can do it, they can beat the odds and build a happily ever after, because she is back for good this time, because she gets to make amends for all the pain she has caused, to him and their people.

“I love you, Abby,” he says, taking her out of her thoughts, his mesmerized eyes on hers waking up butterflies in her belly.

“I love you too, Marcus,” she says back, “more than I ever thought it was possible. And I will do anything to deserve your love again.”

“You have always honored it. Your fierceful fight to put others’ lives and interests before your own is what made me fall in love with you in the first place. You fighting me for getting in the way of that, would have never made me stop loving you. I won’t say it didn’t hurt but I understand and I forgive you. You aren’t the one who killed those people, Abby, and neither am I. Octavia did it. You just tried and succeeded in making us survive. Now we work to get our humanity back.”

Her heart is pounding so much listening to the sweetest words coming from the sweetest man’s lips that she can’t manage to speak, so she just reaches for him and kisses him deeply, melting into the inebriating feeling of his mouth on hers. That same feeling that made her world spin in front of the secret door in Arkadia and again in Polis. That feeling she had almost forgotten about thanks to those damn pills and their numbing effect. And then he deepens the kiss, softly intertwining their tongues and all thoughts die in her head, the only thing that matters now is the blissful feeling of their love for each other.


End file.
